In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
