I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
