You just made me feel so damn special
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
