Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
