I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
