my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
