its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
