I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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