Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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