I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
