i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
