I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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