I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
