Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
