I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
