Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
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Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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