i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
