i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
