so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
