What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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