Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
too bad you live with your parents still
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
