I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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