even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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