after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
