I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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