is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?