If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.