Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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