everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
