How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
