I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
