I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
