If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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