you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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