When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Please don't give away my fajitas
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