I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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