sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
