can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
