He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
