If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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