In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize