I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
