She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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