Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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