OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
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Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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