i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
