Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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