What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
