While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
