Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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