I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
