if you like me you must not know who I am
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
