I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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