i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
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