you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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