Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
