pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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