i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
